On Wednesday I got my 4th round of chemo. For some reason this last round I felt really discouraged. I got really emotional about going in for chemo the night before. It was strange for me, because I have never really thought about going in much. I have always had an attitude of this is just something I have to do, but the night before, I literally broke down and sobbed to Max telling him how badly I didn't want to go. It was then I realized that it never gets easier, even if I am more than half way through. I just have to go through the same cycle of feeling crappy all over again. I also get so discouraged after every round of chemo, because you lose your physical strength. That has been so frustrating for me. There are also times were I get bored and I feel really lonely. I am not writing about this for people to feel sorry for me or to say things to try and make me feel better. Its just a a time where things have been a little hard for me and I want to vent a little bit.
Cancer to me seems so weird. I remember when my mom was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. It didn't seem real to me. Cancer doesn't seem real to me. Even since I have been diagnosed it hasn't seemed real. Since cancer seems like this fictional thing to me. I have always regretted til this day, even more so now than ever, that I hardly stoppped and helped my mother out when she was going through cancer. I had no idea what she was going through, even though I saw her laying on our couch every day. I didn't understand the pain or loneliness she was going through at times. It kills me to know that I wasn't there for her as much as I could have been.
I don't want to give the wrong impression. This last round of chemo went well. Even though the doctor says I am a good patient for spinal taps it doesn't make me like them any more than I do. I did get nauseous along with a bad head ache at one point and time, but luckily we have modern medicine to fix that. Even though I had a hard time before, I am doing better now. The 4th round of chemo is over. Now is the time to keep looking forward in life and to keep telling myself "It wont be long til this seems like a this is a small thing that happened a long time ago."
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Update.
well just thought I would write another update since I haven't in awhile. I feel that I am doing fairly well. I can't thank people enough for their kind thoughts, comments and prayers. They really mean so much to me.
So for 5 days after I get chemo they have me taking steroids. I guess they help with some of the side effects of chemo, but the down fall is I have the hardest time going to sleep at night. So they gave me Ambien, which is a pretty strong sleeping pill. So now I have been sleeping much better at night. Thank Heavens for Ambien!
Today I have been pretty fatigued and I haven't done much of anything today. It gets really frustrating when I feel like this. I hate feeling like an old person. Seriously, this must be how old people feel! I have no muscle strength and I get tired so easily. I also realized today that I don't think I will ever get used to being bald. I don't like wearing hats or scarfs that much, because I feel even more bald wearing them, but as time goes on it gets harder to ignore when people stare at me. Not just glance, but full on stare! I took my mom to the store today and decided to stay in the car. This couple about my age was walking past and I could loudly hear this girl say to her boyfriend, SHE IS BALD. I said to myself, yes...yes I am. Then I had to say to myself, she doesn't understand and she has no idea what is going on in my life. I mean, I didn't shave my head for the heck of it, but it's ok I get over it. It's just for those couple seconds that I get emotional then think people look retarded when they stare. Anyways. Sorry if that offended anyone. I thank people again for all their love and concern. Keep up the prayers! I need them!
So for 5 days after I get chemo they have me taking steroids. I guess they help with some of the side effects of chemo, but the down fall is I have the hardest time going to sleep at night. So they gave me Ambien, which is a pretty strong sleeping pill. So now I have been sleeping much better at night. Thank Heavens for Ambien!
Today I have been pretty fatigued and I haven't done much of anything today. It gets really frustrating when I feel like this. I hate feeling like an old person. Seriously, this must be how old people feel! I have no muscle strength and I get tired so easily. I also realized today that I don't think I will ever get used to being bald. I don't like wearing hats or scarfs that much, because I feel even more bald wearing them, but as time goes on it gets harder to ignore when people stare at me. Not just glance, but full on stare! I took my mom to the store today and decided to stay in the car. This couple about my age was walking past and I could loudly hear this girl say to her boyfriend, SHE IS BALD. I said to myself, yes...yes I am. Then I had to say to myself, she doesn't understand and she has no idea what is going on in my life. I mean, I didn't shave my head for the heck of it, but it's ok I get over it. It's just for those couple seconds that I get emotional then think people look retarded when they stare. Anyways. Sorry if that offended anyone. I thank people again for all their love and concern. Keep up the prayers! I need them!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Half Way
I just got home from doing my third round of chemo. I am now officially half way done. How awesome is that?! All went well today, I felt like things went a lot smoother then they did the last time around. The only downer from today is that I have to have a special type of IV poked into my port and that kinda hurt, but it's because the site is still tender from the surgery. I also couldn't help but notice today how blessed I have truly been and how my prayers have been answered.
Ever since I had my port surgically placed (my port is a device that was put in my chest that helps me receive chemo.) I have been really worried about it. The reason why is, because the night I came home from surgery my bandage filled up with blood. The doctors said if there is any bleeding at the surgical site you need to call right away. So I called and talked the doctor. They told me to take the bandage off and put another bandage on, but if it fills up with blood again to call back. The second bandage didn't fill up with blood luckily, but ever since then it made me nervous that something might have gone wrong with my port. Later on around the site of the port I had major bruising. My mom kept telling me that when she got her port placed that it never looked like that, which made me even more nervous. So I started praying that my port would be ok and that it would heal properly. When I got to the clinic this morning I had them look at the port, because it's not completely healed and I didn't know if it was ok to use it. They said it was fine and that they have seen ports that looked worse than mine. Hearing that made me feel so much better. So that was a little answer to my prayer that everything was ok. The nurses at the clinic also told me a story of a younger girl that came into the clinic and they used her port the day after she had it surgically placed. The nurse said that he felt so bad poking her, because the site of her port was all black and blue. He said when he poked her, you could tell that it was really painful for her. She was trying so hard to choke back the tears, but ended up crying. The nurse felt so bad so he went and got her mom. Hearing that story made me recall that my Oncologist wanted to use my port the day after I got surgery, but the surgeon said no, that they needed to wait to use my port. So it made me think, how blessed am I? I could have gone through the pain that that girl went through, but I was spared and was blessed with more time for my body to heal. I know this seems like a small thing, but to me it makes a difference. It's one less thing that I didn't have to go through.
Last week I read an article that my friend suggested to me. It was an article about a girl who has had cancer for the last 16 months and wrote a list of ways to help people cope with cancer. When I read that she has had cancer for 16 months it blew my mind. I just kept thinking in my head.... 16 months??? I can't even imagine going through and having cancer for 16 months! It also made me realize that there are a lot of other people in this world who have cancer for a lot longer than that. That realization humbled me. Here I am thinking I have it bad. I only have to go through this (hopefully) for three months. There are so many others who have incurable cancers who are literally fighting for their lives. How did I get so blessed to have a cancer that is so highly curable? How did I get so blessed to have a mother that has been through this and can relate? How did I get so blessed to have such a supportive husband, family and friends? I wonder and ponder these things often, because some people don't have these things. It is truly humbling to know that the Lord is mindful and continually blessing me, even if the blessings are big or small.
Ever since I had my port surgically placed (my port is a device that was put in my chest that helps me receive chemo.) I have been really worried about it. The reason why is, because the night I came home from surgery my bandage filled up with blood. The doctors said if there is any bleeding at the surgical site you need to call right away. So I called and talked the doctor. They told me to take the bandage off and put another bandage on, but if it fills up with blood again to call back. The second bandage didn't fill up with blood luckily, but ever since then it made me nervous that something might have gone wrong with my port. Later on around the site of the port I had major bruising. My mom kept telling me that when she got her port placed that it never looked like that, which made me even more nervous. So I started praying that my port would be ok and that it would heal properly. When I got to the clinic this morning I had them look at the port, because it's not completely healed and I didn't know if it was ok to use it. They said it was fine and that they have seen ports that looked worse than mine. Hearing that made me feel so much better. So that was a little answer to my prayer that everything was ok. The nurses at the clinic also told me a story of a younger girl that came into the clinic and they used her port the day after she had it surgically placed. The nurse said that he felt so bad poking her, because the site of her port was all black and blue. He said when he poked her, you could tell that it was really painful for her. She was trying so hard to choke back the tears, but ended up crying. The nurse felt so bad so he went and got her mom. Hearing that story made me recall that my Oncologist wanted to use my port the day after I got surgery, but the surgeon said no, that they needed to wait to use my port. So it made me think, how blessed am I? I could have gone through the pain that that girl went through, but I was spared and was blessed with more time for my body to heal. I know this seems like a small thing, but to me it makes a difference. It's one less thing that I didn't have to go through.
Last week I read an article that my friend suggested to me. It was an article about a girl who has had cancer for the last 16 months and wrote a list of ways to help people cope with cancer. When I read that she has had cancer for 16 months it blew my mind. I just kept thinking in my head.... 16 months??? I can't even imagine going through and having cancer for 16 months! It also made me realize that there are a lot of other people in this world who have cancer for a lot longer than that. That realization humbled me. Here I am thinking I have it bad. I only have to go through this (hopefully) for three months. There are so many others who have incurable cancers who are literally fighting for their lives. How did I get so blessed to have a cancer that is so highly curable? How did I get so blessed to have a mother that has been through this and can relate? How did I get so blessed to have such a supportive husband, family and friends? I wonder and ponder these things often, because some people don't have these things. It is truly humbling to know that the Lord is mindful and continually blessing me, even if the blessings are big or small.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Making it through
Well... I am making it through my second round of chemo. For the most part things have been going really well, but I will say that the chemo did eventually catch up to me. It wasn't until the fifth day after I had gotten my chemo that I started to feel crappy. Then a few days after that I just got feeling worse. When the chemo gets to you it almost makes you feel like you have the flu. The whole time your body is just achy, you feel like you might be getting a fever, because you feel so hot, but then that goes away in a matter of seconds. Then you feel like you might be a little nauseous then that goes away and it's this never ending cycle. In the end you just wish you would throw up, because you think it will help you feel better, but it doesn't. Thankfully after that third day I started feeling better.
My next round will be this coming Wednesday. It's weird to think that after my next chemo I am halfway through. Getting chemo makes for a long day. Nothing to look forward too. I normally am at Huntsman most of the day. In the morning I get blood labs drawn. Then I visit with my doctor and we check and make sure that all my blood labs are ok. Then the worst part of the whole day happens. I get a spinal tap. They check my spinal fluid every time I go in for chemo to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread to my spine or brain. While they are at it they also inject chemo into my spine, because the chemo I am already getting doesn't affect my brain. So it's all precautionary, but I hate it! The actual procedure isn't bad, it's just the way I feel after they inject the chemo into my spine. My body really just doesn't feel right, like it doesn't know what to do with the chemo. It really is the worst feeling to me. I dread every time I have to get it. Then after the spinal tap they send me to the infusion room to get my round of chemo. To get a round of chemo takes me 4 hours. So in the mean time, I will either be blogging or learning how to knit. Also my sweet mother stays with me all day the days I have chemo. So for those of you wanting to help my mother out, the days I have chemo are the perfect days to ask, which is normally Wednesdays, but don't tell her I told you that! I don't know if she would be very happy with me.
As of how I am feeling in general. I would say alright. This is Max's first week of having full time school and work. I will be honest, it's hard for me to have him gone that much during this time. At some points I really missed him and wished he was here by my side, but I am thankful for visitors and especially my mother that keep me company.
My next round will be this coming Wednesday. It's weird to think that after my next chemo I am halfway through. Getting chemo makes for a long day. Nothing to look forward too. I normally am at Huntsman most of the day. In the morning I get blood labs drawn. Then I visit with my doctor and we check and make sure that all my blood labs are ok. Then the worst part of the whole day happens. I get a spinal tap. They check my spinal fluid every time I go in for chemo to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread to my spine or brain. While they are at it they also inject chemo into my spine, because the chemo I am already getting doesn't affect my brain. So it's all precautionary, but I hate it! The actual procedure isn't bad, it's just the way I feel after they inject the chemo into my spine. My body really just doesn't feel right, like it doesn't know what to do with the chemo. It really is the worst feeling to me. I dread every time I have to get it. Then after the spinal tap they send me to the infusion room to get my round of chemo. To get a round of chemo takes me 4 hours. So in the mean time, I will either be blogging or learning how to knit. Also my sweet mother stays with me all day the days I have chemo. So for those of you wanting to help my mother out, the days I have chemo are the perfect days to ask, which is normally Wednesdays, but don't tell her I told you that! I don't know if she would be very happy with me.
As of how I am feeling in general. I would say alright. This is Max's first week of having full time school and work. I will be honest, it's hard for me to have him gone that much during this time. At some points I really missed him and wished he was here by my side, but I am thankful for visitors and especially my mother that keep me company.
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