One more down. Two more to go.

On Wednesday I got my 4th round of  chemo. For some reason this last round I felt really discouraged. I got really emotional about going in for chemo the night before. It was strange for me, because I have never really thought about going in much. I have always had an attitude of this is just something I have to do, but the night before, I literally broke down and sobbed to Max telling him how badly I didn't want to go. It was then I realized that it never gets easier, even if I am more than half way through. I just have to go through the same cycle of feeling crappy all over again. I also get so discouraged after every round of chemo, because you lose your physical strength. That has been so frustrating for me. There are also times were I get bored and I feel really lonely. I am not writing about this for people to feel sorry for me or to say things to try and make me feel better. Its just a a time where things have been a little hard for me and I want to vent a little bit.    

Cancer to me seems so weird. I remember when my mom was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. It didn't seem real to me. Cancer doesn't seem real to me. Even since I have been diagnosed it hasn't seemed real. Since cancer seems like this fictional thing to me. I have always regretted til this day, even more so now than ever, that I hardly stoppped and helped my mother out when she was going through cancer. I had no idea what she was going through, even though I saw her laying on our couch every day. I didn't understand the pain or loneliness she was going through at times. It kills me to know that I wasn't there for her as much as I could have been.

I don't want to give the wrong impression. This last round of chemo went well. Even though the doctor says I am a good patient for spinal taps it doesn't make me like them any more than I do. I did get nauseous along with a bad head ache at one point and time, but luckily we have modern medicine to fix that. Even though I had a hard time before, I am doing better now. The 4th round of chemo is over. Now is the time to keep looking forward in life and to keep telling myself "It wont be long til this seems like a this is a small thing that happened a long time ago."